The lesser-spotted African celeb

*Please note this is written entirely from an entertainment perspective. I couldn’t give a Zuma about the academic arguments. I had 4 years of it already.

Undoubtedly the most terrifying thing I read about this week in the SA papers was the cast for SA Celebrity survivor. I am sure I suffer from some sympathy fatigue, but I found it honestly infuriating, as though I had been personally wronged.

Firstly, I need to make it clear that South Africa does not have celebrities. I used to use the term pseudo-celebrity, but even that assumes too much. We have TV & Radio personalities – though how much personality you need to be able to announce the next rerun of some out dated soapie is in itself questionable. They do not, and I don’t want to use the term deserve, require that title. They are merely at a level in which they are vaguely recognised as someone you know from somewhere. Though this has stopped many of them from adopting the title. South African “celebrities” suffer from an inflated sense of self-inflicted celebrity anguish. Like Jenna Dover shopping in sunglasses, so as to be unrecognisably recognisable, but really they hiding the fact that no one gives a damn. Celebrity suggests some sort of fame or recognition worldwide and not just for an appearance on a Cadbury’s advert. Even SA’s version of heat is mostly populated with international news. Our so-called celebrities cant come up with enough entertainment to even fill a 10-minute waiting room read.

So the thought of a South African Celebrity Survivor is just an abomination. South Africa has enough TV troubles without pumping more money into bad TV. I have never been a fan of reality TV as such, but if you need to have a “where you know them from” section in your bio, you are not a celebrity. There is a sense of notoriety associated with the word – no one needs explaining about who Paris Hilton is. I don’t think they even tried with the line up. TV is meant to be entertaining – casting Joost and Amor would have been great if they made it to day 20 of no shampoo. The only reason I would even consider watching it would be as part of a torturous drinking game involving a battery acid based homebrew. They seemed to omit any of SA’s true entertainers – the comedians (this doesn’t include Colin Moss because laughing at yourself doesn't count). Hell, I thought that the latest UK Celebrity Big Brother line up was bad, but it is practically Oscar worthy in comparison.

If you want to create a TV show based on something already in existence, SA is looking in the wrong place. We should be utilising the real talent we have and combining it with out countries strengths. My own personal plan for revolution© is to run a version of the BBCs Mock the Week, a panel show combining current events and comedy. How is that not a recipe for success in South Africa? Survival in South Africa is based on being able to laugh at ourselves and the ever favoured stand up routine of our government. If this didn’t work then Zapiro wouldn’t have a career.

And as long as we keep ignoring our real talent we really are damning ourselves to a life of Walker Texas Ranger reruns, which alone is worth claiming political asylum for.

2009 as seen from the rear view mirror

Since I have nothing better to do and need to procrastinate here is my year in review in a movie award/list mash up.

Best Actor – Barack Obama
And the winner is President Obama for scoring himself a nice shiny Nobel Prize for doing absolutely squat.

Best Actress – Helen “Godzilla” Zilla

Best Supporting Actor – Julius Milema
For his role as Zuma’s official “Number 2.”

Best Supporting Actress – Amor Vittone.

Best Film* - Watchmen

Best Director – Gavin Hood
There are so many reasons but here are a few that make up for Wolverine:
1. He is South African – and not in the manner of Charlize Theron or Dave Matthews
2. His ensemble cast of Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds, Liev Schreiber and Taylor Kitsch designed reduce any red-blooded female to a state of libidinousness**.
3. Bringing us Hugh Jackman in the flesh – only to have it removed from the final cut. 60% of the world’s population now cries itself to sleep.

Best Newcomer – Mark Strong
I know he has been around since at least 2008 but still.

Best New Show – V & Cougar Town
V is only 4 episodes in and not the mot original story line but I have hope for the future.
Cougar Town – Courtney Cox Arquette is fantastic and it is from the man behind Spin City and Scrubs.

Best Ensemble Cast – Lonely Island

Lifetime Achievement Award - Top Gear

Best Special Effects – Shared between The Joost Video and Madonna’s make-up artist.

Best fight – Godzilla vs. Julius Creaser
Once again Julius brought out his best English skills claiming that Helen Ziller “sleeps around”.

Best kiss – A certain Miss J and the lamp posts of Mie-ken and, of course, my walrus.

Best song – Relator - Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johannson.

Best theme song - for 2009 “I gotta Feeling” – Black Eyed Peas
I know I am gonna fry for this one but unless you spent your New Year in Tokyo you won’t understand.
You just weren’t there man. You just weren’t there.

Proudly South African Award - Sharlto Copley and District 9

Boerewors Award for Afrikaans excellence (awarded bi-centennially) – Jack Parow Cooler as Ekke

Old Yoghurt Award for being past its expiry date but still edible – House M.D
I can’t believe I am saying this but sadly it is true. It’s just that there are only so many times it can’t be lupus.

Biodiversity Award for having been in the fridge too long - Lost & Scrubs

The Bill Clinton “It wasn’t me” Award – Joost van der Westhuizen
Runner up Tiger Woods

Most Disastrous Movie Award & the Biggest Disappointment of 2009 – 2012
The award for biggest disappointment just beat out the failure to find intelligent life in the Universe, the discovery of a diet that actually works and the total annihilation of all hope of an Arrested Development movie.

Handful of Pills Award – Twilight, Twihards, Twitards. Twilightismylife.com and Zach Efron.


*This could not go to Avatar as I am working to my own schedule and not release dates. But honestly while the special effects were good it didn’t not quite rock me mentally in the manner that Watchman did.

**Incidentally my word of 2010