*Please note this is written entirely from an entertainment perspective. I couldn’t give a Zuma about the academic arguments. I had 4 years of it already.
Undoubtedly the most terrifying thing I read about this week in the SA papers was the cast for SA Celebrity survivor. I am sure I suffer from some sympathy fatigue, but I found it honestly infuriating, as though I had been personally wronged.
Firstly, I need to make it clear that South Africa does not have celebrities. I used to use the term pseudo-celebrity, but even that assumes too much. We have TV & Radio personalities – though how much personality you need to be able to announce the next rerun of some out dated soapie is in itself questionable. They do not, and I don’t want to use the term deserve, require that title. They are merely at a level in which they are vaguely recognised as someone you know from somewhere. Though this has stopped many of them from adopting the title. South African “celebrities” suffer from an inflated sense of self-inflicted celebrity anguish. Like Jenna Dover shopping in sunglasses, so as to be unrecognisably recognisable, but really they hiding the fact that no one gives a damn. Celebrity suggests some sort of fame or recognition worldwide and not just for an appearance on a Cadbury’s advert. Even SA’s version of heat is mostly populated with international news. Our so-called celebrities cant come up with enough entertainment to even fill a 10-minute waiting room read.
So the thought of a South African Celebrity Survivor is just an abomination. South Africa has enough TV troubles without pumping more money into bad TV. I have never been a fan of reality TV as such, but if you need to have a “where you know them from” section in your bio, you are not a celebrity. There is a sense of notoriety associated with the word – no one needs explaining about who Paris Hilton is. I don’t think they even tried with the line up. TV is meant to be entertaining – casting Joost and Amor would have been great if they made it to day 20 of no shampoo. The only reason I would even consider watching it would be as part of a torturous drinking game involving a battery acid based homebrew. They seemed to omit any of SA’s true entertainers – the comedians (this doesn’t include Colin Moss because laughing at yourself doesn't count). Hell, I thought that the latest UK Celebrity Big Brother line up was bad, but it is practically Oscar worthy in comparison.
If you want to create a TV show based on something already in existence, SA is looking in the wrong place. We should be utilising the real talent we have and combining it with out countries strengths. My own personal plan for revolution© is to run a version of the BBCs Mock the Week, a panel show combining current events and comedy. How is that not a recipe for success in South Africa? Survival in South Africa is based on being able to laugh at ourselves and the ever favoured stand up routine of our government. If this didn’t work then Zapiro wouldn’t have a career.
And as long as we keep ignoring our real talent we really are damning ourselves to a life of Walker Texas Ranger reruns, which alone is worth claiming political asylum for.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
2009 as seen from the rear view mirror
Since I have nothing better to do and need to procrastinate here is my year in review in a movie award/list mash up.
Best Actor – Barack Obama
And the winner is President Obama for scoring himself a nice shiny Nobel Prize for doing absolutely squat.
Best Actress – Helen “Godzilla” Zilla
Best Supporting Actor – Julius Milema
For his role as Zuma’s official “Number 2.”
Best Supporting Actress – Amor Vittone.
Best Film* - Watchmen
Best Director – Gavin Hood
There are so many reasons but here are a few that make up for Wolverine:
1. He is South African – and not in the manner of Charlize Theron or Dave Matthews
2. His ensemble cast of Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds, Liev Schreiber and Taylor Kitsch designed reduce any red-blooded female to a state of libidinousness**.
3. Bringing us Hugh Jackman in the flesh – only to have it removed from the final cut. 60% of the world’s population now cries itself to sleep.
Best Newcomer – Mark Strong
I know he has been around since at least 2008 but still.
Best New Show – V & Cougar Town
V is only 4 episodes in and not the mot original story line but I have hope for the future.
Cougar Town – Courtney Cox Arquette is fantastic and it is from the man behind Spin City and Scrubs.
Best Ensemble Cast – Lonely Island
Lifetime Achievement Award - Top Gear
Best Special Effects – Shared between The Joost Video and Madonna’s make-up artist.
Best fight – Godzilla vs. Julius Creaser
Once again Julius brought out his best English skills claiming that Helen Ziller “sleeps around”.
Best kiss – A certain Miss J and the lamp posts of Mie-ken and, of course, my walrus.
Best song – Relator - Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johannson.
Best theme song - for 2009 “I gotta Feeling” – Black Eyed Peas
I know I am gonna fry for this one but unless you spent your New Year in Tokyo you won’t understand.
You just weren’t there man. You just weren’t there.
Proudly South African Award - Sharlto Copley and District 9
Boerewors Award for Afrikaans excellence (awarded bi-centennially) – Jack Parow Cooler as Ekke
Old Yoghurt Award for being past its expiry date but still edible – House M.D
I can’t believe I am saying this but sadly it is true. It’s just that there are only so many times it can’t be lupus.
Biodiversity Award for having been in the fridge too long - Lost & Scrubs
The Bill Clinton “It wasn’t me” Award – Joost van der Westhuizen
Runner up Tiger Woods
Most Disastrous Movie Award & the Biggest Disappointment of 2009 – 2012
The award for biggest disappointment just beat out the failure to find intelligent life in the Universe, the discovery of a diet that actually works and the total annihilation of all hope of an Arrested Development movie.
Handful of Pills Award – Twilight, Twihards, Twitards. Twilightismylife.com and Zach Efron.
*This could not go to Avatar as I am working to my own schedule and not release dates. But honestly while the special effects were good it didn’t not quite rock me mentally in the manner that Watchman did.
**Incidentally my word of 2010
Best Actor – Barack Obama
And the winner is President Obama for scoring himself a nice shiny Nobel Prize for doing absolutely squat.
Best Actress – Helen “Godzilla” Zilla
Best Supporting Actor – Julius Milema
For his role as Zuma’s official “Number 2.”
Best Supporting Actress – Amor Vittone.
Best Film* - Watchmen
Best Director – Gavin Hood
There are so many reasons but here are a few that make up for Wolverine:
1. He is South African – and not in the manner of Charlize Theron or Dave Matthews
2. His ensemble cast of Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds, Liev Schreiber and Taylor Kitsch designed reduce any red-blooded female to a state of libidinousness**.
3. Bringing us Hugh Jackman in the flesh – only to have it removed from the final cut. 60% of the world’s population now cries itself to sleep.
Best Newcomer – Mark Strong
I know he has been around since at least 2008 but still.
Best New Show – V & Cougar Town
V is only 4 episodes in and not the mot original story line but I have hope for the future.
Cougar Town – Courtney Cox Arquette is fantastic and it is from the man behind Spin City and Scrubs.
Best Ensemble Cast – Lonely Island
Lifetime Achievement Award - Top Gear
Best Special Effects – Shared between The Joost Video and Madonna’s make-up artist.
Best fight – Godzilla vs. Julius Creaser
Once again Julius brought out his best English skills claiming that Helen Ziller “sleeps around”.
Best kiss – A certain Miss J and the lamp posts of Mie-ken and, of course, my walrus.
Best song – Relator - Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johannson.
Best theme song - for 2009 “I gotta Feeling” – Black Eyed Peas
I know I am gonna fry for this one but unless you spent your New Year in Tokyo you won’t understand.
You just weren’t there man. You just weren’t there.
Proudly South African Award - Sharlto Copley and District 9
Boerewors Award for Afrikaans excellence (awarded bi-centennially) – Jack Parow Cooler as Ekke
Old Yoghurt Award for being past its expiry date but still edible – House M.D
I can’t believe I am saying this but sadly it is true. It’s just that there are only so many times it can’t be lupus.
Biodiversity Award for having been in the fridge too long - Lost & Scrubs
The Bill Clinton “It wasn’t me” Award – Joost van der Westhuizen
Runner up Tiger Woods
Most Disastrous Movie Award & the Biggest Disappointment of 2009 – 2012
The award for biggest disappointment just beat out the failure to find intelligent life in the Universe, the discovery of a diet that actually works and the total annihilation of all hope of an Arrested Development movie.
Handful of Pills Award – Twilight, Twihards, Twitards. Twilightismylife.com and Zach Efron.
*This could not go to Avatar as I am working to my own schedule and not release dates. But honestly while the special effects were good it didn’t not quite rock me mentally in the manner that Watchman did.
**Incidentally my word of 2010
Friday, December 18, 2009
2012
I love disaster movies – don’t ask me why but I love it when Mother Nature gets to kick ass and destroy America. Now I will admit these are not award winning movies. They are pure popcorn – with no nutritional value what so ever. But then I watch movies to escape the boredom of reality and not to be reminded of it.
So anywho 2012. I have been excited about this film since last year. Disaster + John Cusack + Roland Emmerich + some added ancient prediction = a good few hours viewing. Now for those of you who don’t know (i.e. 99.9%), Herr Emmerich was responsible for Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow. Oh, and that other disaster (of a) movie 10000BC. So when it comes to the destruction of the United States with special effects and rather p*ssed Gaia, he has some experience. You gotta love German vengeance - so passive, so aggressive.
Now I will reiterate that these are not the best films but there is a difference between good and bad ones. 2012 was awful. And worse it was disappointing. If I had know what to expect it wouldn’t have been too bad, but this movie was just so half hearted. In fact that pretty much sums it up.
It had all the required elements: A-list actors (and Amanda Peet I suppose), Special Effects courtesy of a budget equivalent to the GDP of some African nations, some historical base to generate interest (ala Da Vinci Code), a German and of course total annihilation of the human race. So I am going to deal with each of these in turn. So firstly the actors:
Cast
I adore John Cusack. He has the same quirky attraction shared by Hugh Grant. But he has more “versatility”. He too won’t win Oscars, but everyone has a role to play (yes Micheal Cera you will always be the gawky teen. Build a bridge and get over it). Only this time he was totally bland and boring and in the end I “nothinged” his character. I didn’t like him, didn’t dislike him. Just nothingness. In fact the entire family story could have been totally cut out. It was really just an appendix on the brink of appendicitis. He was supposed to be relatable but it just did not work. Its like – and I am blatantly stealing this from Ask a Ninja – but they put a collection of generic script elements into a canon, blasted it and then picked up random pieces and pasted them together.
And seriously, Danny Glover as president? Was Morgan Freeman not busy? Oh yeah he was busy playing president of a country no one cares about – except if they need a fund-raising cause.
In fact all the characters were unfinished. Most characters in these films are driven by a need to survive and save some random family member. Kinda simple. Danny Glover’s president, the geologist, Thandie Newton – they all had a “Meh. Why bother” attitude. “We could save innocent people, but why bother? We could say something, but is it worth the press conference?”
Special Effects
The special effects were the same. They were just so passive. It was like shot after shot of America slowly being covered by water. Yes they were spectacular in a way but it was just so dull. If I wanted to watch giant walls of water hitting things I can always watch Deep Impact (who actually managed to book Morgan). There was just no real drama.
As for the destruction of Washington, the scene was totally cut and paste. As far as I was aware up until that point, the US president was dead. But just in case we weren’t sure he was flattened by an aircraft carrier because there is nothing more dramatic and tear jerking than being squashed. None of which compares to an alien laser.
The Mayan Calendar
Mayans. I can’t understand why they didn’t use this. They barely touched on it. The fricken Japanese Chin got more screen time. Sure everyone loves a dog – Labradors, Golden retrievers sure, but a Japanese Chin doesn’t deserve that kinda screen time. Come to think of it I think it even out-screened Danny Glover.
Nothing beats a prediction and conspiracy to get people enthusiastic and intrigued. The idea that it could happen is the reason people watch these movies. Herr Emmerich seemed to have skipped the Conspiracy 101 class.
Germans. Such a comforting people. But Roland you let me down.
The annihilation of the humanity.
I think what I found personally lacking was the “what would I do factor”. In all his other films he allows the audience to conceptualise their own escape. Here everyone is screwed – except the wealthy. They had a master “save humanity through secret construction (*cough* Deep Impact), briefly mentioned a lottery (*cough* *cough* Deep Impact) and then just ripped off the Bible in the end so that no one really survives. With his other films there is always a way to escape but it was back to that old “why bother” attitude. That is unless you can magically hijack a large Russian plan and fly to China. Telling people they will just die is not good.
Though despite this Herr Emmerich has one redeeming quality – he lets the little people win. At the end of The Day After Tomorrow America was begging Mexico to let them immigrate. And (Spoiler alert) at the end of 2012 good old SA gets to be the top of the world. Though honestly I am not sure I would have chosen China as my wingman because really, would you rather be in a Toyota or a Chery when you are about to crash.
So if you don’t give a damn about Africa now, just wait. Because when the Armageddon comes you’ll be sorry.
So anywho 2012. I have been excited about this film since last year. Disaster + John Cusack + Roland Emmerich + some added ancient prediction = a good few hours viewing. Now for those of you who don’t know (i.e. 99.9%), Herr Emmerich was responsible for Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow. Oh, and that other disaster (of a) movie 10000BC. So when it comes to the destruction of the United States with special effects and rather p*ssed Gaia, he has some experience. You gotta love German vengeance - so passive, so aggressive.
Now I will reiterate that these are not the best films but there is a difference between good and bad ones. 2012 was awful. And worse it was disappointing. If I had know what to expect it wouldn’t have been too bad, but this movie was just so half hearted. In fact that pretty much sums it up.
It had all the required elements: A-list actors (and Amanda Peet I suppose), Special Effects courtesy of a budget equivalent to the GDP of some African nations, some historical base to generate interest (ala Da Vinci Code), a German and of course total annihilation of the human race. So I am going to deal with each of these in turn. So firstly the actors:
Cast
I adore John Cusack. He has the same quirky attraction shared by Hugh Grant. But he has more “versatility”. He too won’t win Oscars, but everyone has a role to play (yes Micheal Cera you will always be the gawky teen. Build a bridge and get over it). Only this time he was totally bland and boring and in the end I “nothinged” his character. I didn’t like him, didn’t dislike him. Just nothingness. In fact the entire family story could have been totally cut out. It was really just an appendix on the brink of appendicitis. He was supposed to be relatable but it just did not work. Its like – and I am blatantly stealing this from Ask a Ninja – but they put a collection of generic script elements into a canon, blasted it and then picked up random pieces and pasted them together.
And seriously, Danny Glover as president? Was Morgan Freeman not busy? Oh yeah he was busy playing president of a country no one cares about – except if they need a fund-raising cause.
In fact all the characters were unfinished. Most characters in these films are driven by a need to survive and save some random family member. Kinda simple. Danny Glover’s president, the geologist, Thandie Newton – they all had a “Meh. Why bother” attitude. “We could save innocent people, but why bother? We could say something, but is it worth the press conference?”
Special Effects
The special effects were the same. They were just so passive. It was like shot after shot of America slowly being covered by water. Yes they were spectacular in a way but it was just so dull. If I wanted to watch giant walls of water hitting things I can always watch Deep Impact (who actually managed to book Morgan). There was just no real drama.
As for the destruction of Washington, the scene was totally cut and paste. As far as I was aware up until that point, the US president was dead. But just in case we weren’t sure he was flattened by an aircraft carrier because there is nothing more dramatic and tear jerking than being squashed. None of which compares to an alien laser.
The Mayan Calendar
Mayans. I can’t understand why they didn’t use this. They barely touched on it. The fricken Japanese Chin got more screen time. Sure everyone loves a dog – Labradors, Golden retrievers sure, but a Japanese Chin doesn’t deserve that kinda screen time. Come to think of it I think it even out-screened Danny Glover.
Nothing beats a prediction and conspiracy to get people enthusiastic and intrigued. The idea that it could happen is the reason people watch these movies. Herr Emmerich seemed to have skipped the Conspiracy 101 class.
Germans. Such a comforting people. But Roland you let me down.
The annihilation of the humanity.
I think what I found personally lacking was the “what would I do factor”. In all his other films he allows the audience to conceptualise their own escape. Here everyone is screwed – except the wealthy. They had a master “save humanity through secret construction (*cough* Deep Impact), briefly mentioned a lottery (*cough* *cough* Deep Impact) and then just ripped off the Bible in the end so that no one really survives. With his other films there is always a way to escape but it was back to that old “why bother” attitude. That is unless you can magically hijack a large Russian plan and fly to China. Telling people they will just die is not good.
Though despite this Herr Emmerich has one redeeming quality – he lets the little people win. At the end of The Day After Tomorrow America was begging Mexico to let them immigrate. And (Spoiler alert) at the end of 2012 good old SA gets to be the top of the world. Though honestly I am not sure I would have chosen China as my wingman because really, would you rather be in a Toyota or a Chery when you are about to crash.
So if you don’t give a damn about Africa now, just wait. Because when the Armageddon comes you’ll be sorry.
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