I love disaster movies – don’t ask me why but I love it when Mother Nature gets to kick ass and destroy America. Now I will admit these are not award winning movies. They are pure popcorn – with no nutritional value what so ever. But then I watch movies to escape the boredom of reality and not to be reminded of it.
So anywho 2012. I have been excited about this film since last year. Disaster + John Cusack + Roland Emmerich + some added ancient prediction = a good few hours viewing. Now for those of you who don’t know (i.e. 99.9%), Herr Emmerich was responsible for Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow. Oh, and that other disaster (of a) movie 10000BC. So when it comes to the destruction of the United States with special effects and rather p*ssed Gaia, he has some experience. You gotta love German vengeance - so passive, so aggressive.
Now I will reiterate that these are not the best films but there is a difference between good and bad ones. 2012 was awful. And worse it was disappointing. If I had know what to expect it wouldn’t have been too bad, but this movie was just so half hearted. In fact that pretty much sums it up.
It had all the required elements: A-list actors (and Amanda Peet I suppose), Special Effects courtesy of a budget equivalent to the GDP of some African nations, some historical base to generate interest (ala Da Vinci Code), a German and of course total annihilation of the human race. So I am going to deal with each of these in turn. So firstly the actors:
Cast
I adore John Cusack. He has the same quirky attraction shared by Hugh Grant. But he has more “versatility”. He too won’t win Oscars, but everyone has a role to play (yes Micheal Cera you will always be the gawky teen. Build a bridge and get over it). Only this time he was totally bland and boring and in the end I “nothinged” his character. I didn’t like him, didn’t dislike him. Just nothingness. In fact the entire family story could have been totally cut out. It was really just an appendix on the brink of appendicitis. He was supposed to be relatable but it just did not work. Its like – and I am blatantly stealing this from Ask a Ninja – but they put a collection of generic script elements into a canon, blasted it and then picked up random pieces and pasted them together.
And seriously, Danny Glover as president? Was Morgan Freeman not busy? Oh yeah he was busy playing president of a country no one cares about – except if they need a fund-raising cause.
In fact all the characters were unfinished. Most characters in these films are driven by a need to survive and save some random family member. Kinda simple. Danny Glover’s president, the geologist, Thandie Newton – they all had a “Meh. Why bother” attitude. “We could save innocent people, but why bother? We could say something, but is it worth the press conference?”
Special Effects
The special effects were the same. They were just so passive. It was like shot after shot of America slowly being covered by water. Yes they were spectacular in a way but it was just so dull. If I wanted to watch giant walls of water hitting things I can always watch Deep Impact (who actually managed to book Morgan). There was just no real drama.
As for the destruction of Washington, the scene was totally cut and paste. As far as I was aware up until that point, the US president was dead. But just in case we weren’t sure he was flattened by an aircraft carrier because there is nothing more dramatic and tear jerking than being squashed. None of which compares to an alien laser.
The Mayan Calendar
Mayans. I can’t understand why they didn’t use this. They barely touched on it. The fricken Japanese Chin got more screen time. Sure everyone loves a dog – Labradors, Golden retrievers sure, but a Japanese Chin doesn’t deserve that kinda screen time. Come to think of it I think it even out-screened Danny Glover.
Nothing beats a prediction and conspiracy to get people enthusiastic and intrigued. The idea that it could happen is the reason people watch these movies. Herr Emmerich seemed to have skipped the Conspiracy 101 class.
Germans. Such a comforting people. But Roland you let me down.
The annihilation of the humanity.
I think what I found personally lacking was the “what would I do factor”. In all his other films he allows the audience to conceptualise their own escape. Here everyone is screwed – except the wealthy. They had a master “save humanity through secret construction (*cough* Deep Impact), briefly mentioned a lottery (*cough* *cough* Deep Impact) and then just ripped off the Bible in the end so that no one really survives. With his other films there is always a way to escape but it was back to that old “why bother” attitude. That is unless you can magically hijack a large Russian plan and fly to China. Telling people they will just die is not good.
Though despite this Herr Emmerich has one redeeming quality – he lets the little people win. At the end of The Day After Tomorrow America was begging Mexico to let them immigrate. And (Spoiler alert) at the end of 2012 good old SA gets to be the top of the world. Though honestly I am not sure I would have chosen China as my wingman because really, would you rather be in a Toyota or a Chery when you are about to crash.
So if you don’t give a damn about Africa now, just wait. Because when the Armageddon comes you’ll be sorry.
